WTF is going on?

Okay, a brief break during finals to explain a little of what is going on in my life.

First, I may not be back next semester.  When I started this law school thing, it was sort of on a wing and a prayer.  Held together with duct-tape and chicken wire.  I really needed things to go well in other parts of my life for me to be able to do this.  Fall semester, everything went pretty well.  I was able to devote a lot of time to school.  Did fine with grades.  Was in no real danger of flunking anything.

Spring semester, without going into too many details, has been a disaster in every imagineable way, other than two important ones.  Knock on wood, but my health is still good, and my son is still doing well.  Pretty much everything else in my life got in serious trouble after January first.  Again, don't want to go into too many details, but it was, without doubt, one of the most trying times of my life.  Pretty much everything that could go wrong for me, did.  It was utterly horriffic.

Starting early in March, I wasn't able to sleep.  Really, not until about mid-April when I finally got a little luck and things got a little more under control.  So, I'm still sleep deprived.  It's been difficult to find time to devote to school with all the other fires I've had to put out in my life.  Since March 1, I've been completely exhausted, totally stressed out, sleep-deprived.

The smart thing to do would probably have been to withdraw from all my classes.  I went into finals completely unprepared.  Realistically, I will have difficulty passing any classes.

In the final analysis, though, I figure I'll just cram what I can, take the exams I can take, and see if I pass any of them.  Even if I only pass 2 classes, that's still 2 more than dropping everything.

So, what does the future hold?  Right now, I'm not that sure I'll be back in the Fall.  For one thing, it's entirely likely I'll get into some academic trouble after this semester.  Might be put on probation or kicked out, or whatever.  At a minimum, I will probably have to repeat a couple of classes.  So, things aren't good on the academic front.

I'm also looking for a job, which is problematic in this economy.  Though, I may have a line on a job down in Dayton.  We'll see.  After so many years of trying to keep the business afloat during this recession, it'd be welcome to have a steady paycheck again.  This particular job is one I'd have wanted after law school, anyway.

If I get that job, I guess I could try to transfer down to U of Dayton or Ohio Northern law.  Who knows.  The idea of spending 5 more years getting my degree, part-time, isn't very appealing, in all honesty.

So, that's what's been going on.  It's not been a great few months and everything just became way too much.  The irony is that all these things that I don't like, and that largely I can't help, intruded on one of the parts of my life that I do like, and that I do have some control over:  law school.

It's just that sometimes, the tank is empty and you just don't have anything left.  As things stand, I'm shooting for Cs, and anything higher would be a miracle.  Also, I'm very, very ready to get grades lower than a C based on how I've prepared. 

In my life in general, I think after all these years, you just get sorta stubborn and get a determination that quitting just isn't an option.  I have a son to think about and take care of.  Everything else is a mess, but who knows.  It's not impossible that I could straighten everything out before I die, but it just might take that long.

At this point, for perhaps the very first time in my life, I set a goal every morning of making it through to bedtime.  More than that?  It's just too much to think about and is too overwhelming. 

I know I'll be right as rain someday.  However, I know that it won't be any day soon.  I also don't know how I'll do it. 

Ya just pull up your bandana and cowboy up.  That's what cowboys do.

All in all, it's sort of funny to think that 1L is over.  What a year!  Went by so very quickly.  I wish the stars would align to let me finish this thing out.  Just don't know how I'd make that happen, but who knows.